Third times a charm

I love this world and this is why. After failing, twice, to correctly predict the end of the world, Harald Camping has now gone for the treble. October 21st people, we WILL have the apocalypse. As i stated before, no one is above mistakes. We should all take this mad man's warnings very seriously. I, for one will be getting my shit in order.  I will be taking certain steps to ensure I am well prepared for the impending apocalypse. I dont know how it is going to end (zombies maybe) but for DAMN sure, i will be prepared. Think of it as a survival guide of sorts.

Step 1: Fortified House

This is a fortified house:

Rocket launchers not included

This is a normal house:

 "Honey, the zombies are eating our door"

When the shit gets real and trust me, it will get real, I know where i wanna be.

Step 2: Hire some Muscle:

I know the first thing that popped into your head, "How silly, whoever he hires is only gonna eventually get eaten by the zombies and become zombies themselves. Thereby creating new zombies who have inner knowledge of the security protocols (wait, that's how it works, right?). Leading to death and eventual zombification". FOOLS! I do not put my faith in men. Growing up to 1000lbs and reaching heights of 10ft, these beasts can also muster a top speed of up to 80km/h.

This is the face of pure, unadulterated death.

Holy Crap...If the zombies don't get us, these certainly would. They will enslave and rule us. I wonder what 'genius' thought this a bright idea. Anyway, as long as there's a steady supply of zombies, I'll be fine. When i need to solve the "Hi, we've run out of food down here and would like to eat you now" problem, i'll have to think of something.


Step 3: Contingencies:

You have to plan for all eventualities. How long is it gonna last? Food supplies? Entertainment? Is there really enough space for the wife and kids? Really!? More importantly, repopulating the Earth. Its a tough job for one man and one woman. One man and three women? Good! One man and ten women? Better!! One man and twenty women? BEST!!!! I know that kinda impacts on the food situation but think about all the boning procreation. We all have to make sacrfices.

Speaking of sacrifices, In the event i run out of zombie meat for my Ligers, this could lead to a problem. The single biggest problem i foresee. A simple and effective solution would be to stock up on homeless people.

 "Yea, i got beer for you. Just step into this dark room"

Homeless people run on beer and crystal meth, right? Very very important part of the survival guide this is: Obtain loads and loads of beer and crystal meth to keep the homeless happy. I re-iterate, VERY IMPORTANT. You do not want a homeless insurgence in your fortified house. Shit could get ugly leading to death by Liger or zombification and eventual death by liger.

October 21st is just round the corner. You have been warned!

Mr Sommers

Second chances

As the apocalypse didn't occur yesterday (rather, the crapocalypse), it got me thinking: What if it actually had? What if the world had ended and it was all over for us. I mean, humanity gone...poof. Just like that. Everything we've achieved over the past 10k or so years of human development. All gone. It was a bit sobering. Then i got drunk all over again. Anyway, to those still alive. Here's to second chances. And football...

The English Premier League has drawn to a dramatic conclusion. At least at the bottom. Wolves scraped to survival, not thanks to a win or even a draw but 2 second half goals and Roman Pavyluchenko. Wigan's heroics of last week and a goal by Rodallega have been their salvation. Poor Blackpool though. They are the team most were rooting for to stay up. Unfortunately, a good plan for survival does NOT include recklessly throwing men forward and a unique ability to concede goals in the final 15 minutes of matches. It does makes for a bloody good spectacle. Blackpool were by far The Premiership's top entertainers. Definitely, Holloway was the most entertaining manager. The Premiership's loss will certainly be The Championship's gain.

So, Birmingham are down. That would teach 'em for breaking The Arsenal's hearts. It's the very definition of a 'spectacular capitulation'. Beating Arsenal in February should have given them the confidence to push on in the league. Instead, they wrapped up their season there and then and dropped from relative safety to eventual relegation. Was it worth winning the League Cup in the end? Some might say yes (especially Man United, Chelsea and Man City fans) but its arguable that if they hadn't won it, they just might have been safe.

Speaking of 'Spectacular Capitulations', it would be a great disservice to the term not to mention Arsenal. From a Quadruple on in February, to 4th placed in May. How does that happen? How much do you have to HATE your manager and fans to do that to them? And Wenger has the nerve to try and re-define success. What's the next excuse? He used age for 5 straight years. Now he claims success is him qualifying for the Champions League year in, year out. Sorry, mate by 6 billion to 1, you're outvoted on that one.

Next week we have the Champions League final. Man United vs Barcelona. I pick United to win it. They just seem to have something about them this season. To get the result when they need it. Plus they haven't conceded away this season and Wembley is away (sort off). Plus if that wiley ol' Fergie has been discussing with The Madman at Madrid, they just might be able to stifle Barca and catch 'em on the break. Till then, here's praying Messi stubs his toe on a chair and breaks his metartasal before the match... :D

Mr Sommers

First things first

I'm not a comedian or a funny guy. An awesome guy (pretty awesome if you ask me) but not funny. My writing style (if you can call my jottings a 'style') is pretty laid back. I'll try to keep it a bit professional and forgo text speak. I'll even overcome my normal laziness and use a spell checker. This blog is just about my random observations in this god-awful existence we dub 'life'.

With all the talk of the impending apocalypse I've decided to bite the bullet and finally start a blog because, fuck it, i really have nothing else to do while im sat awaiting the end of all i know and love. It seems, amazingly, that every damned year theres a date or sometimes dates on which the apocalypse is supposed to be arriving; But like the bastard celebrity secret love child, who keeps inviting his father to his parties, the apocalypse stays well clear of us.

As far as predicting apocalypses go, this dude is 0 for 2.Which, i believe, is a record of some sorts. We shouldn't even be calling it the apocalypse but the crapocalypse. Where's the screaming and shouting? The hurricanes and hailstones (19 degrees, clear blue skies), the tears and weeping and gnashing of teeth? Im a firm believer, though, in 2nd chances (3rd, 4th, 5th even). I think he should be given another opportunity but this time, can he give us a time too? GMT preferably. I mean, its all well and good to say, "The world is ending on Friday the 20th" but who's Friday the 20th? Is it when the first country reaches that date? Or when the last country reaches it. Seriously, cant have me going through a whole day worried that at any moment the earth could come apart under my feet and massive waves could come crashing down on me.

In the event that he got some bad data or miscalculated or something, i would definitely be following what he says carefully. In case he actually gets it right. Third times the charm, as they say. I mean everyone makes mistakes. Apart from myself. Of course.


Mr Sommers